Surreal, mildly dangerous goods for humans and aliens alike. Returns require 95% of original atomic mass. Try asking Gleb about products, return policies, and Gleb's work life!
Pantry / Anomalous Foods
A butter substitute harvested from the empty space between stars. Rehydrate with tears for best flavor.
⚠ Do NOT rehydrate with liquid nitrogen. Localized gravity well may form within 2 meters.
No returns once rehydrated. Unrehydrated units accepted with 95% mass and no gravitational anomalies.
Delicacies
Each egg is simultaneously delicious and inedible until you look directly at it. Best served with a side of certainty.
⚠ Direct eye contact required before consumption. Do not consume while blinking.
Cannot be returned in an unobserved state. Schrödinger's Refund Clause applies.
Hardware / Bio-Components
Replacement tendons for the modern multi-limbed professional. Snaps back with 6x the force of Earth rubber bands.
⚠ HIGH SNAP-BACK RISK. Safety goggles mandatory (sold separately, aisle 9). Do not exceed 400% elongation.
Returnable if cable has not been surgically implanted.
Home Goods
A doormat with a rudimentary consciousness and strong feelings about muddy boots. Judges you gently.
⚠ Do not step on Greg with intent to disrespect. Passive-aggressive static shock possible.
Non-returnable per Sentient Goods Protection Act, Section 4. You may rehome Greg at Customer Service.
Snacks
Chips that float toward the nearest source of joy. Great for parties, terrible for solemn occasions.
⚠ Keep sealed away from open ceiling vents. Minor levitation of nearby unsecured objects possible.
Returnable only if bag is still sealed and chips have not achieved escape velocity.
Appliances
A pocket-sized shortcut through spacetime. Great for skipping laundry day. Do not use for commuting to work; HR frowns on time-based excuses.
⚠ EXTREME HAZARD. Requires signed Bio-Hazard Waiver (Form 12-Zorg). Do not operate near pets, children, or ex-partners.
Non-returnable once activated. Unopened units returnable within one temporal cycle (approx. 6 Earth days).
Wellness
Reads your emotions and responds with mild, geologically-paced encouragement. Very patient. Very slow.
⚠ None, unless thrown. Rock does not consent to being thrown.
Returnable within 30 cycles, rock must be in original emotional state.
Apparel
Worn daily by Cosmo Mart staff to reach high shelves. Now available with 30% more foot smell as a complimentary feature.
⚠ Do not sneeze while wearing. Ceiling collision risk in rooms under 3 meters.
Final sale. Employee floor models are not eligible for return, only pity.
Produce
Genetically altered broccoli that absorbs light and glows purple. Tastes like garlic and battery acid.
⚠ Steam before eating to neutralize electrical pulses.
Returnable if un-steamed and not yet paired with Bluetooth.
Meats
Cultured steak harvested from solar flare energy. Sizzles loudly even when raw.
⚠ Use silicon tongs. Keep away from flammable kitchen aprons.
No returns if reduced to pure ash.
Frozen / Desserts
Ice cream chilled so severely that it pauses local time for 3 seconds with every bite.
⚠ Eat with insulated gloves. Do not refreeze after melting.
Non-returnable once liquid.
Candy / Snacks
Infinitely stretchable gummy worms containing tiny dense cores. Sour apple flavor.
⚠ Chew thoroughly to prevent intestinal gravity spikes.
Returnable only in original anti-gravity packaging.
Pantry / Breakfast
Made from genuine pulverized space debris and marshmallow moons. Stays crunchy in milk for 400 years.
⚠ Eat slowly. May cause magnetic teeth.
Returnable within 14 days if box is unopened.
Meats
Bacon that changes flavor depending on what you're thinking about while cooking it.
⚠ Maintain positive thoughts while frying.
Returnable only if uncooked and in baseline pig form.
Pantry / Condiments
Hot sauce brewed in the upper atmosphere of Venus. Scoville rating: 12,000,000.
⚠ Store in lead-lined bottles. Avoid contact with skin.
No returns on opened bottles.
Produce
Grapes grown in zero-G lunar greenhouses. They float out of the bowl if not weighted down.
⚠ Keep bowl covered with heavy napkin.
Returnable if all grapes are retrieved from ceiling.
Pantry / Beverages
Coffee beans so strong a single cup allows you to see 5 seconds into the future.
⚠ Do not drink more than 1 shot per planetary cycle.
Returnable only if beans remain unground.
Produce / Meat Alternatives
Tofu that absorbs the exact flavor you wish it had. Requires active mental focus.
⚠ Clear your mind before cooking.
Returnable within 7 days.
Candy / Snacks
Popping candy that creates tiny sonic booms in your mouth.
⚠ Do not mix with carbonated galaxy soda.
Non-returnable.
Frozen / Desserts
Popsicles crafted from compressed northern lights. Colors change as you lick.
⚠ Store below -20°C.
Returnable if frozen solid.
Pantry / Breakfast
100% marshmallow cereal bits with high sugar-to-mass ratio.
⚠ Keep away from hyperactive alien younglings.
Returnable within 14 days.
Meats / Snacks
Dried jerky from deep-space kraken reserves. Spicy, smoky, and slightly squirmy.
⚠ Chew thoroughly before swallowing.
Returnable if unopened.
Produce
Peppers that pass through solid matter until bitten.
⚠ Wear solid-phase gloves when chopping.
Non-returnable if lost in floorboards.
Pantry / Beverages
Gives you 72 hours of energy by annihilating tiny particles inside your gut.
⚠ Do not shake can before opening.
Unopened cans accepted within 7 days.
Candy / Desserts
Half the box tastes like your favorite childhood memory; the other half tastes like your next birthday.
⚠ Do not consume whole box in one sitting.
Returnable only if temporal seals are intact.
Snacks
Chips that change texture from crispy to liquid to solid as you chew.
⚠ May cause temporary sensory stuttering.
Returnable within 30 days.
Dairy / Pantry
A dense cheese wheel that emits a warm, comfortable yellow radiation glow.
⚠ Store in lead cheese-keeper.
Returnable with 95% mass.
Bakery / Snacks
Sold in pairs of two. Eating one automatically satisfies the hunger of your paired doughnut partner.
⚠ Keep paired boxes together until consumption.
Must return both entangled doughnuts together.
Produce
Extremely hydrating alien cucumbers harvested from water-worlds.
⚠ Slice gently with sharp blade.
Returnable if solid.
Meats
Pre-cooked ribs charred over open plasma vents. Fall-off-the-bone tender.
⚠ Reheat with caution.
No returns once unwrapped.